A Line in the Sand (Part 2)
As I wrote about last week, boundaries in and of themselves are not bad. Often misconstrued by others, boundaries can be interpreted in many different ways. I’ll say it again, no matter how old we are, none of us enjoys being told no.
The Gospel Coalition writes:
“Loving others may mean establishing healthy boundaries rather than enabling habitually sinful and destructive behavior.”
It’s easy to want to provide for those around us. When we see close family members and/or friends who are in need, a good heart genuinely cares. It genuinely wants to help. That doesn’t mean we are automatically enabling a bad behavior just because we want to do the right thing. It’s when that negative behavior spirals into repeated bad choices and a lack of responsibility for the consequences.
This can include paying fines or serving jail time, depending on the offense. Your bills weren’t paid on time, so you have incurred a late fee, or your utilities have been shut off. You were late to work multiple times without calling in, or you called out on numerous occasions, leaving your company no choice but to let you go. As we discussed last week, there are moral and legal obligations we must uphold as law-abiding citizens. We may not agree with everything, but as Christians, we choose to set an example for those around us. Do our children see us paying our taxes on time, or flubbing the numbers so that it will cut us a better break? Do we play violent video games that open the door to questionable behavior, or are we being mindful of what we watch? Are little ones hearing the phone conversations we are having or noticing that you are never home to spend time with them?
If we constantly assume we are never in the wrong about anything and can get away with any behavior, we will set an example for others to do the same. There’s no space for manipulation or belittling in relationships. We should be building each other up, not tearing others down.
Lysa Terkeurst wrote a powerful book a few years ago that speaks directly to this idea of boundaries. She said here:
“The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart.”
This has nothing to do with how much we may love and care for someone, but with the reality that we humans are imperfect. As hard as we may try to have it all together and love others well, we will still fail. We will let others down. We will need forgiveness. The problem is that some people begin to take advantage of others and simply do not care whether they receive forgiveness, but rather that they get money or assets, or whatever else they keep coming for. As a nurse, it’s terrible, but I often see strained family members when a loved one is going through a medical crisis. Not only is there a legitimate health concern, but there is also a push to leave an asset to someone in particular or to set up a trust fund they know about. It’s sad, but it’s true. Children should be there to help their parents as they age, but the sad reality is that this is not the case for most people nowadays. We don’t know all that went on in the family relationship, of course, and there are a variety of reasons why someone may need to step away or exhibit boundaries for a season, or two, or three.
I don’t know who said this quote, but I can't take credit for it myself.
“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefitting from you having none.”
I’ll say it again: boundaries are not bad, and there's nothing to be afraid of. Lysa Terkeurst also said this in her book:
“Boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.”
Jeremiah 5:22
Do you not fear me?
This is the Lord’s declaration.
Do you not tremble before me, the one who set the sand as the boundary of the sea, an enduring barrier that it cannot cross?
The waves surge, but they cannot prevail.
They roar but cannot pass over it.
I love this vivid reminder from the Old Testament about the power of boundaries. If you’ve been to the beach, there’s a boundary you’ve seen. The waves are not in the middle of the sidewalk where you are walking. Unless, of course, you are out in a major hurricane that has come onshore. God created the world as He saw fit. He knew that in our finite human minds, we would need boundaries. We would need a reminder for what to do when life is hard and when dealing with people is difficult.
If you must implement boundaries in your life, you must first control where you are. Your home is the place to start. Determining what kind of behavior you will allow inside your home or on your property. How you will be talked to; certain conversations that may be off-topic at a family dinner (politics, if it stirs everyone up, for example). If you have little ones running around, you may decide you do not want cursing or alcohol around. You may be mindful of what is on the television.
Much like you want to keep a child from touching a hot stove, you must decide how to protect your home. This means deciding what boundaries you will set if you encounter difficult people. Again, this doesn’t mean you don't want to help someone or that you don't love them; it means you want to protect everyone involved by having peaceful conversations whenever possible. There are extremes to this; if abuse of any kind is happening, law enforcement or domestic violence care officials may be needed to assist. There are things they can do that may be more helpful and quicker in an immediate safety situation. No one should be forced to live in physical, verbal, or any kind of abuse. If you or someone you know needs help today, please reach out. Start with 911; they will connect you with the right people. Your life matters.
I have a sign hanging in my living room that reads: “I trust the next chapter, because I know the author.” A dear friend gave it to me years ago, and I’ve loved it ever since. I trust that the author of my story, God Almighty, is leading and guiding me in the way in which I should go. I trust Him to protect me and give me the courage to stand up for myself when I need it. God knows that we are all in need of help at times, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
As the scripture in Jeremiah reads, I am encouraged because, as a follower of Jesus, I know where I place my trust. I am secure on the Rock that will not crumble, even when the storm barrels down. I can make decisions to protect myself and those closest to me and establish boundaries as He has directed, if a situation arises and I need to do so. I pray you will be encouraged in the same way this week. If there is a reason for you to establish a boundary, I pray that you will seek out godly counsel in how to do so and how to achieve accountability in upholding it. Because I can be the first to tell you, setting a boundary is the easy part, not giving in the second or third, or twenty-sixth time, is where it gets challenging. Sometimes we need to have boundaries in place for quite some time, but that doesn’t mean we have to keep them forever. As Terkeurst said, “Boundaries are a divine principle, not rejection.”
