Anxiety Will Not Win

Anxiety will not win. No matter how hard the fight is. No matter how many pep talks I have to give myself. No matter how many tears I may cry.

I’m writing today to let you know it is possible.

I’m writing today to say it won’t be easy.

I’m writing to let you know it will be worth the fight.

I’m writing because I know it’s true.

I’ve been there. I am there. I know how hard it is sometimes to keep on keeping on. I know how annoying it is to hear someone say, “one step at a time,” yet I find myself uttering the exact words without even thinking. I know what it feels like to feel as if you’ve taken one step forward and one hundred steps back. I know because I am fighting too.

In vulnerability, I come alongside to cheer you on. To encourage you to keep fighting. To make the choice every day, believing in faith that each day holds something good inside of it. Sometimes we have to dig a little deeper.

I know how alone you can feel. Trying desperately to find someone you know and trust, who will understand. Yet realizing that no matter how bad they want to be there for you, if they don’t struggle with anxiety and/or depression, they will likely not ever fully understand. This can cause conflict in relationships because if you struggle with anxiety, the one thing you probably want is for someone to understand the chaotic pieces and why you feel the way that you do. Then there are times when our anxiety keeps us from letting others love us like we were meant to be loved in the first place—a vicious, never-ending cycle.

I know just how hard it can be to get up and go to work. Having to wear a mask during the pandemic is bad enough, yet wearing my own mask is worse: it hides who I am and makes it seem like everything is great when it is not. To go through the motions while you’ve honestly lost a great deal of desire to do anything, to begin with.

I understand the dread that comes with leaving your “safe place” or your “safe people.” I know the physical symptoms that can occur. I understand the feeling in your gut that feels like something is off or about to happen. I see the loss of energy and not wanting to do things anymore, things you once enjoyed so much.

I understand all these things because I have been there and am fighting. I am fighting every day to win back my life. To take it back from the enemy’s attempt to let anxiety, depression, fear, and worry take me out. I am fighting hard, you guys. And I am writing to encourage you. To challenge you not to give up. That there are better days on the horizon. That you can do this.

Here are a few things that have been life-changing for me during this journey. I’m not planning to let any of these go anytime soon.

1. God.

   I need Him more than anything or anyone. I haven’t done well with quiet times during my struggle with anxiety, but I am realizing that I just need to sit and be still. To open my Bible and start with one verse. To pray. To offer words through a worship song. I need God’s presence and healing. God didn’t create this world to have anxiety, so I know He will continue to provide for me and nurture me while I heal.

2. Counseling.

   My counselor has been a gift from God. I have found encouragement in my sessions, and a sense of confidence is coming back to my life. She encourages me to do the hard work. She has helped me navigate my medication adjustment and empowered me to “give myself the grace I deserve.” I am four years in and still value the time I carve out for counseling. I think it should be a requirement for everyone.

3. Family & Friends.

   I have been so blessed by the love and support of those closest to me. Sometimes establishing healthy boundaries brings healing; sometimes, at first, it does not. I am finding that sharing pieces of my story and being honest about who I am and what I am struggling with brings me closer to those who love me. I also have some fantastic friends who speak joy and the Word of God in my life and accept me for who I am. Seeing my friends find joy even as they walk through difficult seasons has been a gift. They have ministered to my soul when I should have been there for them.

4. Medication.

   I have another blog post on taking medications for mental health. See {Medication for Me} if you’d like to check it out. The stigma is too much. We should encourage one another to do what we need to do to take care of ourselves (within reason, of course). Instead, our culture tends to make us feel less than, as if something is wrong with us, when we ask for help. I am not ashamed to say I take medication every day to help me fight anxiety and depression. It is part of my armor to go to battle.

So, while these things have been helpful, this journey requires courage. It requires you to believe in yourself a little more today than you did yesterday. It requires faith.

I’ve been at the bottom of the mountain where it seems too steep even to try. I’m not at the peak yet, but I’m on my way. The journey is easier together. Come on, let’s go.